Dark Clouds

Just how my heart feels...
The season seems the same...
It's having dark clouds again
and sooner or later rain will pour on the window pane.
How good will it be to feel if the sun would shine for me.
But this kind of weather
just keeps on making me gloomy as ever.
And seeing those angry waves
makes me feel scared like a naive.
I don't know why
but it's just what I feel
But no matter what...
I'll still stay as positive as I can be
that someday...
there will come a good day,
a rainbow after the rain
and behind the clouds, a shining sun.

What my Heart Convey

What my Heart Convey...

Tears are not enough to ease away the pains of the heart… because if crying liters of tears could take away all the pain… I would definitely be the first one to do it!

At times, you never appreciate the value of a person when they are just near… We tend to set them aside or even left them... We tend to be at ease that were doing fine...Coz we know no matter what, they will always be there when we got back...  But when we got back and they're already gone… we always wonder why they left.

How did I Fall in Love with You

How Did I Fall In Love with You

by Backstreet Boys

Remember when
Never needed each other
The best of friends
Like sister and brother
We understood
We'd never be alone

Those days are gone
Now I want you so much
The night is long
And I need your touch
Don't know what to say
Never meant to feel this way
Don't want to be
Alone tonight

The Beauty of Summer

All photographs here are all taken by me using my cellphone (so some pics are not that good in quality) during my summer escapade with my family. I just love the beauty of this beach. It's not much like the others but it's worth to be proud of. The beach that only a few have known.

Can't Cry Hard Enough

I'm gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is an empty chair

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now 

Can You Reach My Friend?

I got a call from an old friend
We laughed about how things had changed
But I could tell things weren't going as well
as he claim

He tried to hide his feelings
But they only gave him away
The longer I listened,
The more I kept wishing that
I knew the right words to say

Can You reach my friend ?
Bring his searching to an end
Lord, I know you love him

the world is at it's best.... fake

the world is still at it's best...

you'll never know the people who treat you with honesty...
i wonder why so many people hate each other
and why so many people ignore each other...

but i'd rather ignore the people whom i don't like, than to give them a smile yet inside of you, it pains a lot...
xit!!! plastic people...

FAKE

yeah! it's hard to please everyone...
cause some are stupid naive... they are so pathetic that they only believe and listen on what they feel...
they are so crazy... stupid damn people... i hate them...
don't they realized that they are also hurting someone...
can't they be sensitive enough to feel what the others feel...

****** xit...

i hate them so much....

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.................

when will you realize that others can also feel the pain???
it's not only you....
don't be selfish...
don't be stupid...
xit xit xit....

i know you are all in pain...
you feel hurt...
but don't blame others about your pain...
don't be so so selfish... don't share your pain to others...

why don't you just keep it yourself.... or just show that pain to the person who hurt you...

don't be so damn...
others don't deserve that pain that you feel...

shocking Love/ power of Love

Earlier this afternoon, I was watching one of the lunch time show in the television. It was a noontime game and variety show and in one of their game, featured people who were fresh grad but who already had babies and maybe already married.
Well it's not surprising at first b'coz I know now a days it's already a trend for teens. But what really shocked me was... the two contestants in that show, well... I've heard something about that before but I never had figured out to myself that it really does exist and someone could even said it in the open.

College Girl had an affair with a man 30 years older

I couldn't believe at first that such a beautiful girl would have a relationship with a guy who is 30 years older than her, b'coz in a normal way that would have been the age of her father. And also that guy has his own family. It's happening now... I know... college students having an affair with married guys. So while watching that show, I really focus my attention to what would be the girl's reason. She know that the guy has his own family and even though she loved the guy would that be enough reason to have an affair with that guy?? Wow! I can't believe it! Didn't she think about the family, that she might destroy it or something? Or didn't she thought about her own life, that her relationship with the guy is not acceptable to society and even in the bible?? I'm not against with the girl or what, but it's just like its a stupid thing. Well... even others would say that she had been crazy but the thing is she had the reason for doing it and even though others would criticize I guess she didn't regret anything she did coz I know she did it because of too much love for the guy. But her reason just keep me on wondering... is love really like that??? It's absurd... I can't believe how love could be like that. After sharing her story, I guess I slightly understand her for being like that and then after I had a slight admiration for her b'coz at least even after what happened she had learn to correct her every mistakes.


The guy in his 20s' married an old woman

The other story was of the guy who is still in his 20's where I thought at first impregnated a college student like him but I was wrong, his wife was older than him, I guess the lady was about 50 or 60's above or something and the most surprising thing was the woman had already five children. At that moment, I realized that in love age and status really doesn't matter and love could always put a person into something that you never thought that you would do. Our helper even said that the guy was stupid and crazy, she even said that the guy was like jumping in a cliff and hanging his self for having that relationship with that woman. But... we could not judge them if they really love each other. Well... after watching that show  I just questioned myself...

What's in love that people are being stupid??
What's in love that it conquered the power of the mind???
What's in love that it's so mysterious??
What's in love that I can't understand it???

Fairy tale Fantasies

4/4/09 2:03 pm
as a little child, I'd always fancy princesses in there nice gowns and shoes, enormous castles standing above the hill overlooking a great wonder but above that all what I've dreamed a lot was the true love they had experienced and there happily ever after life with their prince charming.

5/12/09
I was always been amazed by the true beauty of true love in fairy tales. Of how divine it was. I fancy how a princess would find her true love in just a simple meeting, of how true love would show them who there prince charmings would be. I adore the mystery of how true love would guide someone to find their lost love in just a slight touch in the hand and tell that his really the right one. I am thrilled by how love would last forever and love only one person. That's the true love I've been dreaming of, the true love that I know, the true love that I believed that would be,and a true love with happily ever after.

The true love that could only happened in fairy tales and fantasy but never in reality...?

key of emotions

It's not easy to be a person full of emotions.
Easy to read by others, coz in just a glimpse the sentiment could all break free.
My mask was taken and everything was put in the open.
Immature as they say but eventhough I tried hard to be the opposite,
it's just as impossible as reaching the moon, coz this is me.
When I'm happy, I smile;
when it's sad, I cry
Laugh at every joke
at times get angry when poke
when mocked by others, I get even.
Kept quiet when my mind is in query
when I'm in fear I'm in adrenaline
It's easy for me to show a tear especially when my heart's in affliction.
But there's something in me that I'm expert to hide
It's the feeling of love that I've felt inside
Coz for me...
It's better not to say how "I love you"
But only show how much "I care for you"
Coz in that way, it would be easier to say...
"Goodbye your on your way!"
I'll forget about you by the way
But I know memories will remain
Hidden in a treasure box with chain.
But it could never be open once again

Coz the key to my heart had been thrown into emptiness...

hurt and pain (Oct 21, '08 2:32 AM)

they said when we are hurt by others it is one way of God for reminding us that we should not do it to others because we already know how painful and hurtful it is…
they also said that when you already know the pain, you should be able to understand how painful it is…
so does this mean that when we hurt others like the way others hurt us, it is not our intention to hurt them…
but i just can’t understand why it keep on repeating…
“others hurting us and we hurting others…”
and i just can’t understand why…It's been a cycle... HURTING one another…

my star! (May 17, '07 12:14 AM)

Why can’t I be happy?

Why is it that there’s always something blocking my happiness?

When will I be free?

When will I feel the real happiness?

When will I consider myself/my life full of smiles? (not fake smiles)

I’ve always been wearing my fake smile, my mask, my cloak.

Am I just being selfish? Or am I just being to sensitive?

But is it selfish when I always dreamt to have a quiet life with no one telling me what to do. On the other hand, is it being selfish if you want to be happy?

When will I reach the star?

The star I’ve always dream of… has slowly vanish….

My star… is a star of my freedom, a star of my happiness, the love that I longed for since I am a child….

I don’t need material things I only need my star….

I know no one could understand me but only myself….

I know I am weird… I am foolish… I am numb….

It is hard…

It is hideous….

I am full of misery…

I am full of loneliness…

And I m tired… worn-out…

Solitary (Aug 21, '07 7:06 AM)

some people said the worst moment in life is to be alone...
but for me being alone was the best moment i ever had. being alone for me gives me peace and happiness
that other people had not known.
I always love to be alone... to be with myself... do things just by myself...
coz when i am alone i can be assured that no one will hurt me...
i can assure myself that no one could make me feel sad...
i can assure myself that i could be happy even if i'm alone...
others may disagree but i don't care...

in this world even the closest person... even the people you've cared, cherish and look up to could hurt you...
they said that is normal... but for me its not...
maybe because i just don't like the feeling of being hurt or being sad...
i'd rather be myself watch movie... surf the net... listen to music... do stuffs that could make me feel happy...
and this stuffs help me forget about my problem... it help me forget that i am living in a chaotic world...
yes... there are times i thought about the sadness of being alone... but...for me it's easier to manage... than to be with lots of people where i need to figure out how to act the way that they would understand...

this may sound crazy... but I know in time... there will be lots of changes... 

and my solitary world would need to be set aside for awhile... 

so for now I will enjoy it to the best that I could...

For the past days.... (Feb 15, '09 11:28 PM)

For the past days...
I've read a book... full of questions... some questions were nonsense... some were true... some were my questions too...
Some were the questions that has gotten in my head before... some questions were answered... but most of it was left till now... unanswered!!!
Some of those questions were now hidden, some were lost, some were taken forgranted... but most of it was forcefully left in the past..
For the past days...
I've thought about this words:
is it stupid wen you've fallen in luv 2 some1 who doesn't even care for you??
or
is it more stupid 2 push away some1 who tried so hard to let you feel dath they cared and loved you so much even though they know they are taken forgranted???
or
is it stupid to stop yourself from fallin even though you know that you've already feel it???
stupid!!!
thinking bout this things are stupid!!!!

For the past days...
Another question struck me...
It was about "If granted with 3 wishes would you exchange it with your life..."
and for that question... I answered yes... even though i would die... i don't care as long as
those three wishes that would come true...
but i know that it's all fantasy...

For the past days....
I know that it's not easy to have a positive perception about everything...
but i need to... and I'm determined to do so, even if part of me tells that I'm just pushing myself to do it...
even if half of me know that half of it is fake...
xit!~!!!
stupid...!!!!
this feeling make me feel pain in my heart... but I'm still doing it...

I now it pains me thinking about all of this but still... this one thing is kept in my mind...

"Never regret anything you've done or said because at one point in time... it was exactly what you wanted and needed..."

Will I still believe?? (May 1, '09 5:38 AM)

What would you do when all or most of the things that you've believed before where all changed by someone for good?

me...I accepted all the change... I've let myself be open to the things... open-minded to all information... openly considered the fair judging of which is the best and what's not.

What would you do when someone let you believe that true love with pure honesty and dedication could exist?

When you thought that before this was just a fantasy...

What would you do when someone let you believe that everyone is different from others, that someone out there is unique enough?

When you thought that all are the same... that no matter how kind they are, there's just somethings in them that made them all the same, things that made me think that they are stupid enough to fool you in the end and could not be trusted.

What would you do when someone let you believe that for once promises could never be broken?

When before every promises that someone made was just a joke, that all of it could be or meant to be broken. that only few had proven that i should believe there promises.

What would you do?

I did try to believe to all of the things I hated and avoided before should not be viewed as it was... I changed my views to all this things and until now I still believe to the things they thought me to change... but then....

...What if the same person that let you believe was also the one who changed what you believe now and everything that he/she ought you to believe could all go to an end? that everything he/she showed you before... all the promises he/she made... was now different to what he/she is showing now?

full of hate (Jul 23, '08 5:46 AM)

hate me if you want....
but i'm just being true to myself...
im angry with you...
maybe you'll say i am just to over sensitive...
yes i am! so what...
that's who i am and i can't change that...
leave me alone...
i don't care...
i'll try to be by myself...
i know i can get over...
your not the only one...
and even if you are...
i can be alone and still be happy...
i'm angry...
and i can't hide it...
this is who i am...
if you cannot understand it...
it's up to you...
i'm sick and tired...
i hate you...
but i hate myself most...
i'd better be alone...
than be with someone... ignoring me...
maybe you'll say/think that i've change to being an"arrogant person"
maybe... if that's what you're thinking then be it....
 but this is how i feel ...
this is what you are showing me...
i hate myself....
im tired...
but its okay...
maybe its just me...
just leave me...
maybe i can recover...
im so F*S* sad of being angry with you...
bcoz ur my friend...
more than that...
more than ever...

coping (Oct 20, '08 9:00 PM)

to many changes had come to my life and i dont know how to cope with those changes...
i keep going with the flow but sometimes go against it...
i don't know if going with it or going against it will make me a better person...
what will i do...
i can't understand anymore...
i've tried to ignore this feeling...
i've tried hard enough to change...
i've tried hard enough not be like this anymore...
i was not like who i am before...
i know i've change...
and i don't want the change that happened to me...
this caused my heart to be complicated, to be full of pain and ache...
i want to go back to my old self...
happy to be alone...
contented to simple things that happened everyday...
but stupid ....
....... what happened to my life....
.......i wanted to be me...
i wanted to be who i am...
i'm sick of feeling pain...
i'm sick of feeling worried...
i'm sick of feeling silly...

ambivalence... (Oct 14, '08 11:04 AM)

i don't know what i'm feeling...
somehow... i feel in my heart a mixed feeling of emotions...
yes! i feel happy... but there is a little sadness...
i feel convinced... but there is confusion...
why??
why am i feeling like this?
i know no one could understand me...
i know they'll just laugh at me when they read this...
i know i'm the only one who could somehow understand what i feel...
but do i really know???
i'm just naive...
but eventhough i feel this...
i'm more happy than sad...
i'm more convinced than confused...
or am i just convincing myself???
or am i just thinking so much???

my dream of a perfect life (May 17, '07 12:08 AM)

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve always been dreaming of a perfect life. A happy family, bundles of true friends and people whom I could love and love me back for who I am.

But my perfect life is truly a dream, a fairytale, a dream that could never come true.

The happy family that I have dreamed had never been happy. Its full of misery, sorrow and problem. It never had been…

Some must say that it’s normal for a family to have a problem but for me it’s not because it’s a problem that some families had also encountered and those families are already broken. (And I had always been dreaming that we will have a separate family… maybe after that our family would be happy.)

I had now and still had an unhappy family and maybe it will never be happy like how I wished it to be…

But even though I had an un happy family I had my bundles of friends but I can’t say that all of them are true or sincere; or maybe I was the one that is not true to myself. I know its not right to judge them on what they feel… But I just can’t make it clear to myself, I can’t understand why I am so afraid to trust… Maybe I the problem!

But I’m happy that they are there because even though I had an unhappy family, they are there who gives me happiness and sometimes lend me hand even if I don’t ask for it.

You may ask of those people whom I love and will love me back for who I am (my parents, siblings and friends are excluded here. What I meant here are my relative and other people close to my life).

They are make-believe…

Why???

Because I am the only one loving them, (but its okay for me) they only think that I love them because I need something from them. It’s so unfair… It hurts so much to think that they are accusing you of something you did not do and haven't even thought about.

I sometimes think on to myself … I don’t need does things they are giving me, but I accept it so that they won’t think that I am to proud…but for them it has a different meaning… I don’t know what to do….

It is so unfair but I can’t do anything about those things happening into my life… I could correct it but never change it… and it’s so difficult to correct something if you are the only one who wants to correct it.

The world we lived in is really unfair (unjust) but even though it is … I am still dreaming of that life that could not be fulfilled.