hurt and pain (Oct 21, '08 2:32 AM)

they said when we are hurt by others it is one way of God for reminding us that we should not do it to others because we already know how painful and hurtful it is…
they also said that when you already know the pain, you should be able to understand how painful it is…
so does this mean that when we hurt others like the way others hurt us, it is not our intention to hurt them…
but i just can’t understand why it keep on repeating…
“others hurting us and we hurting others…”
and i just can’t understand why…It's been a cycle... HURTING one another…

my star! (May 17, '07 12:14 AM)

Why can’t I be happy?

Why is it that there’s always something blocking my happiness?

When will I be free?

When will I feel the real happiness?

When will I consider myself/my life full of smiles? (not fake smiles)

I’ve always been wearing my fake smile, my mask, my cloak.

Am I just being selfish? Or am I just being to sensitive?

But is it selfish when I always dreamt to have a quiet life with no one telling me what to do. On the other hand, is it being selfish if you want to be happy?

When will I reach the star?

The star I’ve always dream of… has slowly vanish….

My star… is a star of my freedom, a star of my happiness, the love that I longed for since I am a child….

I don’t need material things I only need my star….

I know no one could understand me but only myself….

I know I am weird… I am foolish… I am numb….

It is hard…

It is hideous….

I am full of misery…

I am full of loneliness…

And I m tired… worn-out…

Solitary (Aug 21, '07 7:06 AM)

some people said the worst moment in life is to be alone...
but for me being alone was the best moment i ever had. being alone for me gives me peace and happiness
that other people had not known.
I always love to be alone... to be with myself... do things just by myself...
coz when i am alone i can be assured that no one will hurt me...
i can assure myself that no one could make me feel sad...
i can assure myself that i could be happy even if i'm alone...
others may disagree but i don't care...

in this world even the closest person... even the people you've cared, cherish and look up to could hurt you...
they said that is normal... but for me its not...
maybe because i just don't like the feeling of being hurt or being sad...
i'd rather be myself watch movie... surf the net... listen to music... do stuffs that could make me feel happy...
and this stuffs help me forget about my problem... it help me forget that i am living in a chaotic world...
yes... there are times i thought about the sadness of being alone... but...for me it's easier to manage... than to be with lots of people where i need to figure out how to act the way that they would understand...

this may sound crazy... but I know in time... there will be lots of changes... 

and my solitary world would need to be set aside for awhile... 

so for now I will enjoy it to the best that I could...

For the past days.... (Feb 15, '09 11:28 PM)

For the past days...
I've read a book... full of questions... some questions were nonsense... some were true... some were my questions too...
Some were the questions that has gotten in my head before... some questions were answered... but most of it was left till now... unanswered!!!
Some of those questions were now hidden, some were lost, some were taken forgranted... but most of it was forcefully left in the past..
For the past days...
I've thought about this words:
is it stupid wen you've fallen in luv 2 some1 who doesn't even care for you??
or
is it more stupid 2 push away some1 who tried so hard to let you feel dath they cared and loved you so much even though they know they are taken forgranted???
or
is it stupid to stop yourself from fallin even though you know that you've already feel it???
stupid!!!
thinking bout this things are stupid!!!!

For the past days...
Another question struck me...
It was about "If granted with 3 wishes would you exchange it with your life..."
and for that question... I answered yes... even though i would die... i don't care as long as
those three wishes that would come true...
but i know that it's all fantasy...

For the past days....
I know that it's not easy to have a positive perception about everything...
but i need to... and I'm determined to do so, even if part of me tells that I'm just pushing myself to do it...
even if half of me know that half of it is fake...
xit!~!!!
stupid...!!!!
this feeling make me feel pain in my heart... but I'm still doing it...

I now it pains me thinking about all of this but still... this one thing is kept in my mind...

"Never regret anything you've done or said because at one point in time... it was exactly what you wanted and needed..."

Will I still believe?? (May 1, '09 5:38 AM)

What would you do when all or most of the things that you've believed before where all changed by someone for good?

me...I accepted all the change... I've let myself be open to the things... open-minded to all information... openly considered the fair judging of which is the best and what's not.

What would you do when someone let you believe that true love with pure honesty and dedication could exist?

When you thought that before this was just a fantasy...

What would you do when someone let you believe that everyone is different from others, that someone out there is unique enough?

When you thought that all are the same... that no matter how kind they are, there's just somethings in them that made them all the same, things that made me think that they are stupid enough to fool you in the end and could not be trusted.

What would you do when someone let you believe that for once promises could never be broken?

When before every promises that someone made was just a joke, that all of it could be or meant to be broken. that only few had proven that i should believe there promises.

What would you do?

I did try to believe to all of the things I hated and avoided before should not be viewed as it was... I changed my views to all this things and until now I still believe to the things they thought me to change... but then....

...What if the same person that let you believe was also the one who changed what you believe now and everything that he/she ought you to believe could all go to an end? that everything he/she showed you before... all the promises he/she made... was now different to what he/she is showing now?

full of hate (Jul 23, '08 5:46 AM)

hate me if you want....
but i'm just being true to myself...
im angry with you...
maybe you'll say i am just to over sensitive...
yes i am! so what...
that's who i am and i can't change that...
leave me alone...
i don't care...
i'll try to be by myself...
i know i can get over...
your not the only one...
and even if you are...
i can be alone and still be happy...
i'm angry...
and i can't hide it...
this is who i am...
if you cannot understand it...
it's up to you...
i'm sick and tired...
i hate you...
but i hate myself most...
i'd better be alone...
than be with someone... ignoring me...
maybe you'll say/think that i've change to being an"arrogant person"
maybe... if that's what you're thinking then be it....
 but this is how i feel ...
this is what you are showing me...
i hate myself....
im tired...
but its okay...
maybe its just me...
just leave me...
maybe i can recover...
im so F*S* sad of being angry with you...
bcoz ur my friend...
more than that...
more than ever...

coping (Oct 20, '08 9:00 PM)

to many changes had come to my life and i dont know how to cope with those changes...
i keep going with the flow but sometimes go against it...
i don't know if going with it or going against it will make me a better person...
what will i do...
i can't understand anymore...
i've tried to ignore this feeling...
i've tried hard enough to change...
i've tried hard enough not be like this anymore...
i was not like who i am before...
i know i've change...
and i don't want the change that happened to me...
this caused my heart to be complicated, to be full of pain and ache...
i want to go back to my old self...
happy to be alone...
contented to simple things that happened everyday...
but stupid ....
....... what happened to my life....
.......i wanted to be me...
i wanted to be who i am...
i'm sick of feeling pain...
i'm sick of feeling worried...
i'm sick of feeling silly...

ambivalence... (Oct 14, '08 11:04 AM)

i don't know what i'm feeling...
somehow... i feel in my heart a mixed feeling of emotions...
yes! i feel happy... but there is a little sadness...
i feel convinced... but there is confusion...
why??
why am i feeling like this?
i know no one could understand me...
i know they'll just laugh at me when they read this...
i know i'm the only one who could somehow understand what i feel...
but do i really know???
i'm just naive...
but eventhough i feel this...
i'm more happy than sad...
i'm more convinced than confused...
or am i just convincing myself???
or am i just thinking so much???

my dream of a perfect life (May 17, '07 12:08 AM)

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve always been dreaming of a perfect life. A happy family, bundles of true friends and people whom I could love and love me back for who I am.

But my perfect life is truly a dream, a fairytale, a dream that could never come true.

The happy family that I have dreamed had never been happy. Its full of misery, sorrow and problem. It never had been…

Some must say that it’s normal for a family to have a problem but for me it’s not because it’s a problem that some families had also encountered and those families are already broken. (And I had always been dreaming that we will have a separate family… maybe after that our family would be happy.)

I had now and still had an unhappy family and maybe it will never be happy like how I wished it to be…

But even though I had an un happy family I had my bundles of friends but I can’t say that all of them are true or sincere; or maybe I was the one that is not true to myself. I know its not right to judge them on what they feel… But I just can’t make it clear to myself, I can’t understand why I am so afraid to trust… Maybe I the problem!

But I’m happy that they are there because even though I had an unhappy family, they are there who gives me happiness and sometimes lend me hand even if I don’t ask for it.

You may ask of those people whom I love and will love me back for who I am (my parents, siblings and friends are excluded here. What I meant here are my relative and other people close to my life).

They are make-believe…

Why???

Because I am the only one loving them, (but its okay for me) they only think that I love them because I need something from them. It’s so unfair… It hurts so much to think that they are accusing you of something you did not do and haven't even thought about.

I sometimes think on to myself … I don’t need does things they are giving me, but I accept it so that they won’t think that I am to proud…but for them it has a different meaning… I don’t know what to do….

It is so unfair but I can’t do anything about those things happening into my life… I could correct it but never change it… and it’s so difficult to correct something if you are the only one who wants to correct it.

The world we lived in is really unfair (unjust) but even though it is … I am still dreaming of that life that could not be fulfilled.

the sermon

This is the sermon that I will never forget...

God never failed to answer our prayers... It's just that most of the times we were so busy that we ignore it... Still we continue asking for it... He sends it again... But we were so blind to see it in front of us...

So this just signify that no matter how many times God help us and answer our prayers, if we were so occupied with useless things... It's still be a waste... Let us open our eyes so that we could see what God has sent us has been there all along waiting for us notice it... Open your eyes now before it expires..

what is happening?

Jan 18 2011- I wish there was someone I can talk to right now... But I guess there's no one... And also I don't have the guts to share it to my friends bcoz maybe they won't understand... For days now... I've been observing people, and the world, and everything around me... I guess not... There's alot there but haven't found them yet... there's a lot of events, disasters, pain, and chaos around... I don't know If I'm the only one seeing it or if I'm the only one noticed that everything had become worst... The climate is gloomy but most of the time the weather is angry... and what is happening to the people?

We are becoming to the way God doesn't want us to be... Will we come to the extent where we will all be punished because of what we have done...?

I hope and I pray that we will all be change of hearts for the good of all and that only the Holy Trinity will be in our minds, hearts and souls and the we commit our lives only to God... Father forgive us for what we have become and for everything we have done that is not pleasing to you...

path to my dreams

We dream... We strive... at times we stumble then we lose hope and cry... And after this we may choose from two different options...

1.) we can continue to cry, became depress and then give up, or

2.) we pray and try to wear a smile, and at the same time help ourselves get up, strive again till the time we succeed and reach what we need to achieve.

This might be just simple options but there are more than these to choose from and it depends upon our decision if we would choose the right one or the other; but whatever we have come up, we need to be ready for the consequences we would face later on.

No one...

It's being a fool making yourself think that there's someone who will come and comfort you. Because in reality there's no one who can understand and take care of your wounds better than you... Yourself...

No one could help you ease those pains...
And if the tears would fall... someone may try to wipe it but it doesn't end the fact that your hurt. And if... Someone tells you that it's okay, I'm here... It's a lie, a pity cause it's only in words... Cause whatever life brings you, you may stumble and fall, the people that surrounds you will only be watching until the time you get yourself to stand-up! They are just audience in your movie called life... Some may cry for you but no one...

would die for you!

promises

I always hated it when someone made a promise to me and in the end it will be unfulfilled... But what am I doing now... I've kept a promise to my self, to someone and most especially to God but now I am having a hard time fulfilling it... And I even set a deadline... I just don't know what to do now... I only have 6 days left to fulfill that promise. I know God is an ever understanding God but still it just don't seem to me to not fulfill that promise... It's like being someone not true to his word... I hate feeling this way... I don't know what's stopping me on this when I know I should have done this a long time ago... O God I know there are a lot of people out there needing your help who is even had worser problem than me but please help me to have the courage to overcome this one... Thank you so much O God for always listening to my call...

life's lesson

Matutuhan mong mahalin ng buong buo ang lahat ngmamahal sayu...Hwag mong hayaang gaguhin ka ng ibang tao kaya minsan matuto karing gaguhin din ang mga ng gagago sayo... The world is tough... Matuto kng lumaban. Pagnadapa ka, tulungan mo ang sarili mong bumangon at matuto sa pagkakamali... At sa pagkakataong magkamali ka at nalaman mong mali huwag mo nang ipilit maging tama... Matalino ka... Gamitin mo palagi ang utak mo... - from one of my loving aunt...

Why do somethings end when you grow old... And then another episode of life starts as a new beginning - dec 7 2011, I've thought about this while watching narnia the dawn treader

Learn to distinguish prank from reality... Don't let other people try to fool you - advise from one of my friend

Why is the word "try" created... If you are always so afraid to take the risk to use it... - advise From my friend... (this isn't complete forget the exact one)