where did my brain went???

I just don't feel right today. I don't know if I'm disappointed with myself or am I just so exhausted that my mind is racking that it doesn't know what to think and even do know what to do... I'm having ambivalent feelings now... I wanted to study coz I think I'm wasting time but part of me says "let your brain rest". I don't want to feel this way again... Feeling like having amnesia after the exam... Feeling that my brain just got out of my skull... I'm trying hard to remember the things I've answered but it's just difficult... I know I can remember but the thing is I can't put it to words... I think I wanted to take my brain inside my head and dissect it... Waaaaaaaa... I don't want this same feeling after the NLE... God pls help me...

no one would care

i know i'm emotionally unstable... And most of the time i have difficulty balancing my feelings and what to show in the outside. I wanted to show it, to share it with others and to have someone who would try to comfort without judging me even just for a short moment. But... There's no one their... And the sad part at time is... you thought there would someone who would come... not knowing that their purpose is not making you feel at ease but they even add insult to your already severed injury... Some may even judge you... Telling you that it seems it was not like you acting that way... So now I'd rather keep it all in my mind than share it... so that I would be able to stay away from ridicule... because when you try your hardest to be understood by other people the more it becomes the opposite and the more you get hurt... So it's better to stay hidden and away because I know no one would ever care if I feel hurt and bleeding inside... That's just what it is...

when I feel tired

There are times dat i feel tired of things happening to my life. But then when I tried to look back, there are three things that struck me... 1st are the people cheering for me 2nd God who never given up on me and keep staying by my side always and 3rd the realization that I have walked a long way and yet haven't even reach the middle... So why would I feel exhausted now and give up when I have a long way to run to reach my goal... And achieve what was destined to me...

october 2 2010 compile

when the feeling is gone... You can only remember the person but the feelings and emotions that was intended for the person have all vanished! But the sad part is you still act the way you were so that change won't be that much evident... This way... You're heart will have a reason to beat and that reason is you still continue to care for that person for you to want to see that person is happy ... oct 2 2010



i wanted to cry but why can't tears fall... I want to feel something... I want to be angry... To feel pain... To get hurt but I can't feel anything... I'm acting out as if I'm hurt but the truth is ... My heart is empty... I just wanted to say sorry just because I know I did something and it's the right thing that I should do but deep in my heart I don't know if its the way I should do. ------- Oct 2 2010




I keep on writing and writing what I feel but I can't say it all out loud... And if I do say it... I know no one would still listen. No one cares how you feel... You would only be looking stupid to say it out bcoz you'll only get laugh at and be ridiculed by people. And no one would ever understand you, they'll just stare at you like a crazy bastard... ------- Oct 2 2010




stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

october 2 2010 compile

when the feeling is gone... You can only remember the person but the feelings and emotions that was intended for the person have all vanished! But the sad part is you still act the way you were so that change won't be that much evident... This way... You're heart will have a reason to beat and that reason is you still continue to care for that person for you to want to see that person is happy ... oct 2 2010



i wanted to cry but why can't tears fall... I want to feel something... I want to be angry... To feel pain... To get hurt but I can't feel anything... I'm acting out as if I'm hurt but the truth is ... My heart is empty... I just wanted to say sorry just because I know I did something and it's the right thing that I should do but deep in my heart I don't know if its the way I should do. ------- Oct 2 2010




I keep on writing and writing what I feel but I can't say it all out loud... And if I do say it... I know no one would still listen. No one cares how you feel... You would only be looking stupid to say it out bcoz you'll only get laugh at and be ridiculed by people. And no one would ever understand you, they'll just stare at you like a crazy bastard... ------- Oct 2 2010




stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

oct 1, 2010

being solitary means having a time of your own to figure out things that you haven't noticed to yourself when there are a lot of people surrounding you giving comments on what you did and the way you act

september 29 2010

Sometimes you need to hear it strait from other people to realize that you've been acting stupid!

=(

is that all my purpose for you all?... I don't know what to think. I don't want to expect something in return but I just want you treat me as your friend not because I have something to give.

Friend for a reason
Friend for a season
Friend for a moment
Friend for a lifetime...
What am I to you all? What suites me?
Am I just a friend yesterday, acquaintance today and forgotten tomorrow. Tell me... So that I don't have to expect you to treat me the way I wanted it to be...

it's the most funny thing i heard

hahaha... He told me I'm a tomboy! Well... That's okay if that's what he wants to believe... So let it be... It's better that way... Funny... The other day he told me he treats me as his dearest sister and now I'm his tomboyish friend...

reaching out...

Can the feeling of happiness when your beside him overcome the feeling of pain when you realized that in his eyes you're nothing important? That eventhough you tried your hardest to reach out for him... To show him that his someone special to you yet in the end he didn't even noticed it.
Is it stupidity to continue staying beside that person?

My PraYEr

I'm scared! It may be a negative thing but its the only reason that motivate me for now... ANd this is the only way that makes me feel at ease... Pls. Help me God... You're the only one I can lean to... Now... That I think that I'M on my own and no one to be there with... Pls give me the courage and strength to face everyday changes... Eventhough I wanted to cry... My tears won't just fall... I'm scared...

friend?

Lots have happened... Many memories had been created... But when I looked back to those memories I could see my self smile but then in a just a second of smile a sad expression could be seen in my face. And then... I would tell myself to stop thinking of the past. Why? Because most of them would remind me of pain. I know I should forget them by now and others may even said that I'm naive of keeping myself stuck to those memories and that I should just move on and let go and throw the pain away... But I just can't help thinking about all of it, it maybe easy for others but it ain't for me. The reason? Because there are still a lot of questions that have not been answered by the people who are part of that memory.




P.S. Friends? I wish I know how you think of me? Am I just needed because I have something to give? Or am I really your friend because I am just me even though I have nothing? I still don't understand especially now that...
I wanted someone to talk but I can't talk to any of you because I don't know if you want to listen to me.
I wanted someone to talk but I don't know how to tell you... And if I tell you, would you gladly listen or would you listen just because you are forced to listen?
Everythings change... Before I can talk to you about anything but now I'm pushed back!















hh

sadness

no one would understand my sadness... It's bcoz for a person like me, I would always be viewed as a selfish person...

Fairytale love

Fairytale... It's always loved by little girls... Some dreamed to have one in their life... Some successfully experienced it... Some failed and was disappointed by it... Some are trying again and again, still hoping to someday find it... Some had forgotten about it... And some never had it in their life... Coz not everyone was lucky...

To those who had lived their life like fairytale, most of them maybe are happy, some maybe sad or disappointed or whatever... But to those who never had any of it... What would be the feeling? Would it be sadder that those who had it but failed? Or it would be a lot happier? .... For me... It would be empty... I don't know any word that could describe the feeling... I guess the perfect word is empty... Just like the feeling that you're heart never beats blood, coz even when you try touching your chest, you can never feel your heart beat... It's as if you're numb all over... As if your a living dead... Not capable of loving because your heart is not beating!

i never wanted this to last...

does anyone wanted that they suffer from one sided love?
Does someone who silently love somebody wanted to stay in that place forever?
Does somebody else who fell in love pushes their self to choose the person their loving?
All my answer to these questions was stated and written in my mind 4 months ago... But still here I am... Undecided if the answers that I have given could truly be the one that I am hoping that it should be...

This blog was just like my feelings... Topsy-turvy... Not direct to what I wanted to say, no one could ever understand this... Just like what I'm feeling...my love...I guess... No one could ever understand it, coz' even myself at times wonder... This stupid feeling, this stupid heart... No one would ever know what it really felt! Coz I've tried for so long.. But I was never been successful... and I'm tired of trying to think about it anymore...